


How to Start Healing

by kg1507



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Rewrite, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Fix-it, Female Friendship, Fix-It, Friendship, Gen, Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor Friendship, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor-centric, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, One Shot, Other, POV Kara Danvers, POV Lena Luthor, Rewrite, SuperCorp, Supergirl (TV 2015) Season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26178829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kg1507/pseuds/kg1507
Summary: “Then let’s not fight anymore,” Her voice is tiny, tentative, hopeful. “Let’s just talk, the way we should have from the start." She takes a small step forward, wringing her hands together until the skin burns. "Please, Kara…"A rewrite of that "make-up" scene in which I attempt to add some depth to a conversation that desperately needed it, peppered with a few in-canon lines but mostly a fix-it fic
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 13
Kudos: 271





	How to Start Healing

First, admit you are unhappy. Then admit why. Then understand you need to let go. Allow yourself a moment. Breathe in the moment deeply. Then, the healing will begin.

-Nikita Gill

“Talk about history repeating itself. Tracking Lex down through Eve? It’s just like Kasnia.”

Lena tries to make her voice light, hoping nostalgic references will result in a glimpse of a smile, a nod,  _ something  _ to let her know she hasn't lost her best friend for good - but Kara turns away without comment, and Lena's heart sinks. The wall between them seems thick as steel despite the steps they've taken today, and while Lena wants to bring Leviathan down just as badly as Kara does, she can't help but feel like she's been shut out with nothing to chip away at her side of the barrier except for her own fingernails.

Kara takes a few cautionary steps away, and Lena wonders if she's already regretting her decision to trust her. Her attitude so far seems to point in that direction, and the bubble of hope that had formed in her chest this morning is slowly deflating. It feels like they are on opposite sides of a fragile bridge, too nervous and wary to meet in the middle, and Lena is afraid that this bridge can't hold the weight of everything that's been left unsaid, doomed to collapse at the first misstep.

She hates how far they’ve fallen, and hates the parts she played in it. They've both made mistakes, both of them share the blame in different ways, but God, where would they be today if she had only managed to quell the desire to hurt Kara the same way she'd hurt her? What if she'd never fallen into the trap Lex had so skillfully manipulated her into? He’d known exactly what he was doing, knew those damning videos of Kara would shatter her, and used those broken pieces to his own advantage.

More than anything else, she hates that she let herself be played by him, yet again. If Lena is sure of anything, it's that this is the last time Lex will ever sink his claws into her; never again will he convince her he is anything other than the monster he's proven himself to be, and she will not follow him into that dark abyss. She's better than that - and she hopes Kara still believes it too.

Lena turns away from the screen and tries again. "Please, Kara - I’m sorry, ok? I truly believed what I was doing was helping people - "

"I told you, I don’t want to talk about the past.” Kara raises her hand, trying to be firm in her dismissal but ultimately falling short in her delivery. She sounds tired, sad, and afraid all at once. Lena knows she’s hesitant to trust her again, knows all too well what that's like - she just never imagined she would be on the receiving end of this look from  _ Kara.  _

Lena stands, knowing she shouldn’t push it, that she should let the matter drop for now and focus on finishing the anti-kryptonite suit as quickly as possible, but she can't stop herself. She can't stand this distance, can't bear to imagine that this is how things will be from now on.

"Oh, come on, you can scream at me if you’d like, I know I deserve it!” Lena tries to play it off as a joke, but she can hear the desperation in her own voice and her cheeks are stiff as she forces a smile. Lex’s face appears in her mind, unbidden and unwelcome. She can still feel his hot, sour breath on her face as he rages, sees the spittle glistening in the corners of his mouth. Lena has faced her demon and rejected him, but it will be some time (if ever) before the memory no longer makes her tremble with residual fear.

Kara stiffens at the suggestion, and Lena is afraid that she’s gone too far, but then all the tension visibly leaves Kara’s shoulders with one deep exhale. She turns back around, her features significantly softer and more like the Kara Lena knows and loves, who once loved her too.

Kara's voice is calm, quiet. “I’m not going to yell at you, Lena. I don’t want to. I’m angry, and hurt, but that's not me.” She crosses her arms in a loose, non-threatening gesture and lets her head tip forward with a sigh.

The seconds tick by painfully slowly until Lena takes the plunge before she can lose her nerve.

“Then let’s not fight anymore,” Her voice is tiny, tentative, hopeful. “Let’s just  _ talk _ , the way we should have from the start. I know Leviathan is the priority right now, but we still have - " She glances at the screen monitoring the steady progress, "Two hours to go before your suit is ready." She takes a small step forward, wringing her hands together until the skin burns. "Please, Kara…"

Kara shifts uncomfortably, her stomach roiling with inner turmoil. This was what she had wanted all along, wasn’t it? For Lena to finally forgive her and want to make amends? Kara had prayed for this moment for so many months as she grieved over the loss of their friendship, but now that it’s here, she's overcome with uneasiness - but not for any of the obvious reasons; not the lies, not Myriad, not even the kryptonite that kept her imprisoned in the Fortress.

It’s the way Lena’s voice quivers on that word,  _ please _ , with so much heartache and regret that it cuts through her like a knife, and in that moment Kara suddenly realizes the feeling she is experiencing right now is all too familiar.

Overwhelming, staggering guilt knocks the breath from her lungs like a punch to the gut. All these months and it had never gone away - not after the Pulitzer ceremony, not during those weeks where she’d tried too hard and been so blind, and not after her timeline-jumping fiasco with Mxy, when she’d tried to  _ make  _ herself guilt-free through the convenience of alternate realities and sheer force of will. Guilt had been with her this entire time, her own personal demon lurking in the deepest corners of her mind, waiting to strike. And now here it is, tugging on her sleeves and pulling her down with the force of its own gravity.

Now she understands, and Kara can see what she should have done months ago, the path she should have taken - the irony is that it has nothing to do with her own grief, and everything to do with Lena’s.

Long seconds pass before Kara finally raises her eyes in resolved concession, her mind made up. "Ok." She says softly.

Lena can't help the sigh of relief that leaves her lungs, but it is short-lived. She nods, swallowing nervously and threads her fingers together. She doesn’t look up as she replies, her voice low and pained with repressed shame. "Ok. Ok, w-why don't you go first? Tell me all the ways I hurt you, just get it all out there - "

"No."

Lena flinches and stumbles mid-word, taken aback by the sudden shift. Before she can say anything, Kara continues, her tone reassuring and much gentler.

"After I told you I was Supergirl, I made a huge mistake." One corner of her mouth lifts in a sad, wry expression. "Feels like I just keep trading old mistakes for new ones," Her voice wobbles on the last two words.

"I was so willing to accept that you had forgiven me, that everything could just… keep going the same way it always had, that I completely ignored all the warning bells going off in my head - it was too easy, too soon, you had been hurt too many times for it to be that simple." She takes a small step forward, her face devoid of all traces of the cool detachment she had tried and failed to maintain.

"I should have known better. If I'd had one real conversation with you instead of being so lost in my own relief, maybe things would've turned out differently. So... I want  _ you  _ to go first. Say everything you wanted to say to me months ago, when you first found out I was Supergirl. Don't hold back - I promise, I won't stop you." Kara seems to anchor herself to the floor of the lab, all the muscles in her body tight and tense as she meets Lena's gaze, steeling herself.

Lena's mouth goes dry, her tongue thick and heavy. How many times has she pictured this moment? She had spent so much time alone, stewing in her pain and heartbreak with nothing but VR lenses and a holographic Supergirl to take her frustrations out on like a petulant child - and as satisfying as those virtual visits had seemed at the time, it never really made her feel better, not once she'd taken out those contacts and returned to the real, tangible world that never seemed to stop letting her down. 

Lena doesn't want to think about those dark days. She doesn't want to relive the pain and the hurt and the heartbreak, because she is afraid of what that will stir up inside her. She had gone down such a dangerous path, only just coming out the other side. What if rehashing the past pushes her over the edge again?

But she also can’t deny that she desperately needs this, and  _ has _ needed it for a long time. Their confrontation at the Fortress had been somewhat cathartic, but there was still so much more that had to be said if she didn’t want to continue holding these grudges - and she doesn’t want to, not anymore. As painful as it is, maybe the only way to move forward is to go back to where it all went wrong, and start from there. 

Lena closes her eyes and takes a slow, steadying breath as Kara waits, patiently. When she’s collected herself, Lena opens them back up and lets the rest of her follow suit, unfolding like the petals of a long-dormant flower.

“You hurt me." She begins, softly, "You lied to me,  _ so _ many times, and I understand that you were afraid to tell me the truth, that you were afraid of losing me, but... at first, all I could think about were the excuses, the deceptions, every conversation I ever had with you and with Supergirl, never knowing that you were the same person. There were times when you would lift me up as Kara and then tear me down as Supergirl all in the same week, and that duplicity is what hurt me the most. How could I believe that Kara Danvers was my best friend, who told me I was kind and good and different from the rest of my family, and then turn around and accuse me and go behind my back as Supergirl? Kara, it nearly destroyed me to think that our friendship had been a lie, that all this time you had only been using me and that you’d never cared at all. All my life I've had to endure one betrayal after another - how could I come to any other conclusion? No one else, not even Lex, ever came close to hurting me the way you did, because it was you who convinced me that a lonely life wasn’t the way I wanted to live. I couldn’t - I  _ can’t  _ live that way, no matter how much my family may mock me for it. I  _ need  _ people, connections, friendships - but after finding out the truth about you… it made me believe I was better off alone, and that gutted me for  _ months _ . That feeling just hung over my head, never letting me rest. It was all I could think about, and I felt as worthless as Lex always said I was.” She takes a moment to wipe one wet cheek with trembling fingertips before continuing.

“At your Pulitzer ceremony, you said that you never wanted to hurt me, that you were afraid of my reaction. I understand now why you felt that way. I even understand how much harder it must have been to try to tell me the truth as the years went on. But Kara... I should  _ not  _ have had to find out from Lex. He knew exactly how to manipulate me into thinking none of you ever cared. And in hindsight, maybe I should have known what he was doing, but I was so haunted by my hand in his death, despite knowing it was necessary, and I was in such a state of shock that I couldn’t see past it. It was like... my brain just shut down, and I reacted purely on emotional instinct. Maybe I still would’ve been just as hurt and just as angry if I had found out sooner - but it should have come from  _ you  _ when you still had the chance to tell me yourself. After everything we’ve been through together, whether I was working with Supergirl or opening myself up to Kara... I deserved to know who I was letting into my life, regardless of however painful the truth might have been. I  _ deserved _ that, Kara, and it kills me that four years of friendship wasn't enough for you to think so too.”

A massive weight lifts from Lena's shoulders as the last words leave her mouth, and she feels lighter than she has in a year despite the residual hurt that inevitably lingers after one has finally let go. It's different this time - in the Fortress, she had burst open like a dam, unable to hold back the torrent of pain that had festered for so long. But now, standing here, she can think clearly, speak her mind without lashing out. She is calm, collected, and feels in control for the first time in ages - even more so than any of the countless times she had used the Obsidian VR lenses.

She loses herself in the euphoria of confession for a moment, letting it wash over her in a wave of relief until she comes back down to earth and notices how Kara is shaking. She makes no sound, but tears steadily drip down her cheeks, landing on the concrete floor as her clenched palms tremble at her sides. It takes a full minute before she is able to speak.

“I’m… Lena, I’m so…” 

Lena’s eyes drift downward, rubs the skin of her forearm with her thumb and says quietly, “I know.” And after all this time, she truly does. 

Kara wants to respond, but apologies won’t make up for the hurt she’s caused. Saying ‘sorry’ feels like such a small word in the grand scheme of things, and the word is tired and stale in her mouth. She lets out a hard breath and swallows the lump in her throat.

“You’re right. About all of it, about… about everything,” Kara's voice shakes. “It  _ should _ have been me, not Lex, and I hate that he was the one who told you about me. I… I hate  _ him _ .” Kara admits. The back of her eyeballs start to burn and she turns her head away from Lena's startled expression, closing her eyes tightly. Several seconds go by before the heat recedes and she can safely open them once again. Kara sighs and shakes her head in disbelief.

"I have all these powers, everyone calls me a hero… but the truth is that I'm a coward." Tears balance precariously on delicate lashes and she uses her thumb and forefinger to brush both eyes in one quick, simultaneous motion before raising her face towards Lena.

“After you told me the truth at the Fortress, all I wanted to do was make things right between us. I felt so guilty about hurting you that I didn't even think about the ways you hurt me; pretending to forgive me, stealing Myriad, using kryptonite on me - because I believed I deserved it for what I'd done. I beat myself up for weeks, hating myself, and then one night… I just couldn't take it anymore. I was sick of the guilt, sick of being sick over it, and I…" Kara bites her lip so hard that she would have bled if she were human. "I got angry. I thought about what you'd done, how the more I focused on it, the more it hurt, and it felt so good not to feel guilty anymore. I told myself whatever I needed to so I could feel more like me again, and then I did the one thing I swore I'd never do..."

Fresh tears track their way down Kara's cheeks and the muscles in her face begin to quiver. She doesn't know if the shattered pieces of what remains of their friendship can handle another truth bomb, but Kara does know that if they are ever going to move forward, she has to be completely honest. Lena will not tolerate any more secrets or half-truths, and Kara doesn't blame her one bit.

"I lost faith in you." Kara's face crumples and she's crying in earnest now, unable to hold it in any longer. "I went to such a dark place because I couldn't handle the guilt, and I couldn't focus on anything except - if you could use kryptonite on me, what else were you capable of? You started working with  _ Lex _ , and I wondered, how far would you go with him? I was  _ scared _ , Lena, not just because I thought I'd lost you, but because I was terrified of what you might do to me on the other side of the line." Kara looks up, her eyes full and red.

"I made a promise to you, a long time ago. I promised I would always be your friend, would always stand up for you and be on your side. But when I thought you had crossed over to a side that wasn't mine, I broke that promise. I became a hypocrite in every sense of the word, all because I couldn't handle the pain. I lost hope, Lena, and if I can do that with my best friend, what does that say about me? About Supergirl? I don't think I know who I am anymore." Kara shakes, dropping her head as she fights off the panic attack that's starting to manifest. "I can't expect you to forgive me for that, no matter how badly I want to be your friend again. You deserve better than that, better than  _ me _ , whoever it is I've become."

Several long seconds of silence pass, and Kara thinks,  _ This is it. It's over.  _ She can't make herself look at Lena, doesn't want to see the damage she's done, that she just keeps continuing to deal at every turn. Despite all her good intentions over the years, despite how much love she has for the woman in front of her, pain and suffering seem to be the only things Kara is capable of giving. It would be better if Lena didn't want anything to do with her, Kara thinks, because then at least she'd finally be safe from her. Kara's heart breaks at the thought of it, but what was one more dagger to join the others?

Kara feels warm hands gently squeeze her trembling forearms. She mirrors her without thinking - Kara's fingers feel so cold in contrast, but Lena doesn't flinch or pull away. Kara hesitantly raises her shamed face and sees that Lena is crying too, but her eyes are tender and soft and so kind that it only makes Kara want to cry all the harder.

"Kara," Lena slowly rubs her thumbs back and forth. "You can't keep taking all of the blame upon yourself. Ok - we can argue all day about it, but the truth is that we have both done things we aren't proud of. Your lie hurt me, and I did what I always do when I'm hurt - I built a wall and suffocated behind it. You say you lost faith in me - and I won't tell you that that doesn't sting a little, but I also say I don't blame you for having doubts. We weren't talking to each other - how could we know the reasoning behind our own decisions otherwise?" She takes a tiny step forward and brushes a stray tear from Kara's cheek with the pad of her thumb.

"You say you don't know who you are anymore? Well, I do. You're Kara - whether it's as a Danvers or an El, you're  _ you.  _ You may not be human, but you make mistakes just like the rest of us. Sometimes those mistakes are painful, but if this last year has taught me anything, it's that pain is inevitable and no one person can live up to perfection." Lena sighs softly. "Over the years, I… I put you on a pedestal, because I was terribly hurt by my family and desperate for affection and I know now that I should not have made our friendship the cornerstone of my well-being.

I tried to fix the world, tried to erase the mind's desire to hurt others - but what I forgot, the one thing I never accounted for, is that sometimes people will hurt you without intention, without malice, and sometimes it even comes from a place of love. Kara," Lena puts both hands on Kara's shoulders, her face blurry through her own tear-filled eyes. "I understand now that no matter what has happened between us, whether you were Supergirl, saving me from a crashing helicopter, or Kara Danvers, saving me from my own loneliness, and everything in between - you never  _ wanted _ to hurt me. I doubted you, you doubted me, but I love you enough that I want to rebuild this more than I want to hold on to the pain. The only question is, do you want that too?"

Kara responds by throwing her arms around Lena, hugging her as tightly as her Kryptonian skin will allow without physically hurting her. She nods against her shoulder-blade, letting out a breath that turns into a soft cry of relief. "Yes, of course I do." She says. Her feet lift off the concrete and she has to force herself to come back down from her hover before she takes Lena with her, but it's  _ hard _ when she feels so, so happy.

Lena pulls back, smiling, and wipes her eyes along with half of her mascara. Kara does the same, and they both laugh at the mess of each other's faces.

Lena wipes her makeup-smeared hand on her pants and extends it towards Kara with a little half-grin. "Lets go take down my brother."

Kara nods, taking her hand and squeezing before saying softly, "El Mayarah."

She doesn't expect Lena's widening smile, the slight incline of her head as her chin wobbles and her voice trembles.

"Yes, we are."

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing this on and off since the finale and my god am I glad it's done and I hope it is halfway decent.
> 
> This fic is alternately titled "3700 words of Lena and Kara word vomiting at each other because the actual writers won't let them"


End file.
